All Scarred Up
by Styxqueen
Summary: Jenny Everdine reflects upon her past with Bill the Butcher and her future with Amsterdam Vallon


Jenny got up from the bed. She left Amsterdam there to brood and cry on his own. She walked out the door looking for Bill. She'd kept silent pretending to be asleep while Amsterdam and Bill conversed, more like confessed to one another. She guessed why Amsterdam was so angry about Bill's obsessive praising of the Priest but she dare not say it aloud. Could he really be the Priest's son? Johnny had nearly told her as much. If so, what was Amsterdam doing living so close to the man who killed his father? Was it revenge alone? Jenny tried not to think on it as she left the room and walked the well-worn path down the stairs to Bill's bed.  
  
She stopped on the staircase and sobbed a little. Jenny felt that Amsterdam understood when she told him of her relationship with Bill. Surprisingly this time he was not angry with her as he had been the night of the dance. If only Amsterdam could understand her twisted love for the Butcher. Perhaps Amsterdam felt the same way about Bill as she did? A mix of love and hate? Jenny felt as if Amsterdam's relationship with Bill was similar to her own. They were children of the streets and Bill had adopted them into his criminal world. Perhaps her life was not a pretty thing, it was still dangerous and dirty, but it could be worse.  
  
She remembered when she'd first seen Bill. She had been living in a doorway off of Mott Street for almost a month after her mother had died, she'd never known her father. One morning the shopkeepers on the block decided that they'd seen enough of the twelve-year-old red-haired orphan and threw her few belongings out into the street and told her get out for good. She was crying and screaming back at them as she tried to pick up her few now muddied belongings. Then she looked up and saw Bill. He looked so impressive with his tall black hat and deep red coat. He smiled at her and held out his arms. "Come with me my girl," he said and she happily obliged.  
  
Her life with Bill had been good, at least by Five Points standards. Bill bought her nice clothes and she had meals every morning and night. Of course the company around Bill was a bit rough but she'd watched as Bill threatened his ruffian friends that if any of them touched her he'd hack their hands off. Naturally they left her alone, such was Bill's reputation, and his threats were taken seriously.  
  
It was true what she'd told Amsterdam, Bill hadn't laid a hand on her until she asked him to and that was several years later. Jenny sat down on the staircase and smiled thinking back on it. She had been observing the neighborhood streetwalkers for some time, and when she'd see Bill retire to his room with a stargazer it always made her insanely jealous. Jenny knew then that she was in love with Bill and she couldn't bear to see him with any other woman. So, one night she dressed up in the finest dress she owned, pulled the sleeves off her shoulders, and waited in Bill's room. Her attempted seduction of Bill that night was laughable but he did make love to her that night and he promised that he would not sleep with any other women. Of course Jenny knew now that he saw other women during those years but he never brought them back to his room so at the time she didn't know about them and for Bill that was a gentlemanly gesture.  
  
Then of course there had been the baby. Jenny's eyes welled up with tears now and she wiped them away. The baby had not been Bill's. Somehow she'd never gotten pregnant during those years when Bill was the only man she was sleeping with, it just hadn't happened. But then one night down on the docks Jenny was raped. It wasn't anyone from Bill's gang, God knows, none of them would've dared, but it didn't take long for Bill to find out who'd done it. She'd come running home to Bill crying, bloody, her dress torn, her face bruised. She lay on the floor crying at his feet. Bill sat in his chair and patted her head quietly for a long while then he silently stalked out into the New York night with his henchmen in tow. She'd cleaned herself up and crawled into his bed. Hours later she heard the most horrible sounds she had ever heard in her life. She crept downstairs and saw Bill enraged beyond any state she'd ever witnessed, and there was her attacker, beaten to a bloody pulp on the floor. Bill's cronies stood around him laughing while Bill cut away at the man. When he looked up and saw her she was afraid of him, his anger was all consuming and she ran back upstairs knowing full well the man would be dead before morning. Bill never mentioned the incident again.  
  
Even later when her pregnancy started to show and after she had to have the dead baby cut out of her Bill didn't mention it but he wouldn't touch her after she'd been cut, and he explained that it was an aesthetic rejection of her body but she suspected that it was something more, maybe Bill was angry that he was not able to father a child with her while some dockside rapist was, she never did ask him. Their relationship was different from then on, she still slept in his bed from time to time but their relationship was purely platonic now. Jenny started walking the streets to spite Bill and make him jealous enough to take her back but it didn't work out that way. Then she started to make a pretty good living at it. She remained Bill's favorite. He would shower her with whatever baubles came his way - jewelry, shawls, shoes - and if he was seeing a whore whom Jenny found offensive he would stop seeing her after just one word from Jenny. She had a certain power over him, maybe it was love or respect or some combination of the two. For her part she loved and feared Bill. She knew that her life wasn't too bad considering that she came from the gutters but she also knew that Bill would never let her leave him for a better life. That was something his pride could not permit. Bill would rather see Jenny dead than prosper without him.  
  
Amsterdam changed everything for Jenny. After meeting him Jenny could finally see her life continue without Bill in it. Amsterdam was someone totally unlike anyone she had known in her life, looking into his eyes was like facing the future, a good future. Jenny could see herself and Amsterdam taking off together to the California goldmines, something she never would've even dreamt of earlier in her life. She'd heard stories of people starting new anew in California and when she looked at Amsterdam she could see him out West with her, away from the blood and sorrow of the Five Points.  
  
Jenny got up and started towards Bill's room, her mind still racing. What was it that Bill felt for Amsterdam? Maybe it was the same attraction Bill had felt for Priest Vallon, his enemy and hero. If Amsterdam really was the Priest's son as Johnny had said then it made sense. Something about the noble Vallons clouded Bill's senses otherwise he would have guessed at Amsterdam's design in carrying out his lust for revenge. Bill couldn't know the truth, if he found out he'd kill Amsterdam for sure and Jenny's future with it. But what if Amsterdam killed Bill?  
  
She opened the door to Bill's room and found him sitting in his chair as three naked whores took up all the room on his bed, Jenny's bed. Jenny was angry now and she shouted "Get up and get the hell out of here you wretched whores! Out! Your services are no longer required so get out!"  
  
Bill laughed while Jenny grabbed each woman by the hair and dragged her to the door. She threw their clothes out after them.  
  
"Oh Jenny, what would I do without you."  
  
"I don't know Bill."  
  
"Now I can finally get some sleep in our bed."  
  
"Our bed Bill, our bed." Jenny bit her lip and couldn't look Bill in the eye.  
  
"Are you angry with me Bill?" Once again Jenny was emotional, her eyes wet with tears, she sounded like a little girl again.  
  
"For what?" Bill asked. Jenny threw her hands up at Bill's incredible obtuseness, "oh, you mean for fucking Amsterdam? Why should I give a damn about that Jenny, you've fucked half the residents of Five Points, so why should that boy be any different."  
  
"He is different, to me, he is." Jenny sat on the bed next to Bill and looked into his eyes, hoping that he'd see what Amsterdam meant to her just from her look.  
  
"Amsterdam is very special to me too Jenny."  
  
"Yes I know Bill."  
  
"You weren't sleeping then?"  
  
"No Bill I wasn't."  
  
"Tsk tsk Jenny, you should've made your presence known."  
  
"Sorry Bill but I didn't want to break up such a beautiful scene." Jenny laughed.  
  
"Come here you." Bill pulled Jenny close to him. She curled up on the edge of the bed. Bill whispered in her ear, "you know what I see in that boy Jenny?"  
  
"What do you see in him Bill?"  
  
"I see my future."  
  
"Get some rest now Bill, get some rest."  
  
Jenny looked up and saw Amsterdam looking through the door at the two of them. He nodded to her and walked on by leaving Jenny alone with Bill wondering whose future Amsterdam would be a part of - Bill's or hers. 


End file.
